Month: May 2019

Books that have bummed me out recently

No rant, I’m just tired. I don’t feel excited about anything.

I’ve been reading the free books out of the office and it’s been depressing. Some writers I used to like are doing things I just can’t get behind. Writing really long novels about New York. Circlejerking each other in ‘critical essay collections.’ Turning weirdly centrist. I guess all your heroes eventually disappoint you but these weren’t even my heroes, more just people I could rely on to write something I was interested in.

I’ve always been pessimistic about poetry and writing in general. Maybe I’m a cynic. I’m sensitive about poetry being both the thing I love and also incredibly annoying. I’m always willing to sell poetry out in the name of really good fiction.

The past few weeks I’ve been up to my neck in bad fiction, which I thought I would find less dismal than reading poetry I didn’t like but turned out to be worse. The straw that broke the camel’s back was called Peach by Emma Glass. I should say that I more skimmed than read it and then read the Goodreads reviews, but check out this opening sentence:

Thick stick sticky sticking wet ragged wool winding round the wounds, stitching the sliced skin together as I walk, scraping my mittened hand against the wall.

Jessica Sullivan called the book ‘more like a 96-page poem than a novel,’ which rankled a bit but also made me laugh. Fiction that’s horrible to read? Just call it poetry!

The spectacle of excess that is PUBLISHING churns out this stuff.

I was reading A Separation by Katie Kitamura the other day, which I liked OK, when I discovered, in the middle of a $25 hardcover, a big fat typo (“breath” where it should say “breathe”). The book is out from Riverhead, an imprint of Penguin. This is the big dogs! And still no one could be bothered to read the entire thing through… just one last time before they sent it.

Of course, that person would probably be an underpaid, overworked assistant…

OK maybe a little bit of a rant.

The last book I read was called Fire Sermon. I have a soft spot for literary fiction that’s basically erotica but this book had me gritting my teeth. It’s a first-person narrative of an affair between a married professor and a poet told largely through email and ugh, they just have so much money. At the end, the professor and her husband who rapes her, whom she hates and lies to, grow old together in a nice house in the countryside.

I could just not read this stuff and then not get angry about it, but this is what the ‘reading public’ is exposed to. This is what they buy. I just want to read something I connect to, that entertains me without pandering… I know it’s out there, but sometimes I struggle for months to find it, even as the books on my desk keep piling up.

Sports Bra

Are the straps load-bearing? Will the dog
        evade the leash? How many inches

between cup and bust’s width? Does a tree
        make its own shade or does the storm

fill seedbeds with darkness as it passes?
        Can I run in it?


My poems have been lame recently so I’ve been finishing some really old ones. Here’s what happened to a poem that used to be called ‘Shorts with Inner Brief’ (a title I’m definitely saving for something else).

In praise of taking pictures

I spent several hours this afternoon posting pictures. Posting pictures is a way of keeping them somewhere I know I can come back to them. I can see things I couldn’t before: a false smile, a friend I didn’t value enough, how hideous a favorite pair of pants was. I got back on social media last summer and before that hadn’t posted any personal content in about three years. In those years I took hundreds of photos and never looked at most of them again, mostly of my ex and our cat. Going back through them is painful but also a good reminder of how quickly you forget what your life used to be like. It’s too easy to feel like today, yesterday, the past few months, is all there is.

There was another shooting today, a couple of hours ago. College campus, two dead, several critically injured. I feels dazed and unsteady. It’s been a horrible week. Game of Thrones and the Avengers movie making my timeline suck shit, et cetera. When I came into work this afternoon we all sat in our cubicles silently. What even is there to say?

The past few years have been very shitty, from my personal microcosm to the world in general. I don’t know why I still care about keeping a record. Mostly it just makes me sad. But I think it has something to do with how likely it seems that it will all be negated in a shocking act of violence, either the slow kind or the quick. Why bother to cull the excess (delete the blurry stuff)? Even the accidental screenshots are proof of life.

When things seem unimaginably bad, I find myself looking at all the photos I have of houses, which I’ve been taking since I was in high school. An overgrown front yard in Oakland, a collapsed duplex in St. Louis, turkeys across from my dad’s place in Jersey, the cheaply erected condos on my block in Bedstuy covered in half-assed snow. The first short story I ever wrote that I was proud of was called “Little Blue Houses” and it started just this way: I saw a house, I pictured life in it, and I made something that felt human. It feels important that I remember how to do that, especially on days like this.