Month: February 2019

Jason in IT Appreciation Post

Where I work it’s clear that a functioning IT department is not really a priority. They already outsourced IT for the most problematic devices, the printers, and word on the street is that the belt is tightening. Already getting in touch with IT is a nightmare. If you need remote access to something, or a working mouse, or a generated password, you have to fill out a ticket and get someone above you to sign off on it, and if you’re lucky they’ll will send up a guy (and if the problem is really serious, two guys). For the most part, they won’t be able to help you. There’s no frustration like when a computer won’t do what you want, and to fix the problem you have to do exactly what the IT tech says. From my one high-school summer working in IT, I can say that a surprising number of folks don’t take well to that.

Which is all to say—Jason, I see you and I honestly have no idea how you do it. How the fuck did you find the license key for that ancient version of Adobe Acrobat? Where did you get that clean-looking extra keyboard? How do you maintain that perfectly good-natured demeanor, for Christ’s sakes even a smile, when most of your job is telling people that what they need is either impossible or going to take a long time? I genuinely admire the way you approach each new problem with such confidence, even if it’s obvious to everyone that there’s no solution, only tedious workarounds. It takes real grace and patience to do what you do, and even then people are going to grumble. We blame you for the company’s weird computer workings. None of it seems to get to you. Nothing but respect for that.

My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Otessa Moshfegh

My Year of Rest and Relaxation

My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh

I knew from the first time the narrator said 2000 that the book was going to end on 9/11; you’re supposed to assume that. The thing about 9/11 is that it happened so suddenly, and so close to “home” for Otessa Moshfegh’s readership, the only way to write about it is to devote a lot of attention to the banal before-days without ever acknowledging their banality.

Thus, how a book about a six-month-long Ambien trip turned performance art project can turn out boring. The book didn’t do much for me emotionally or psychologically. It didn’t feel like it was supposed to. I didn’t care about the narrator’s parents (she doesn’t care about them). I didn’t care about New York. I definitely didn’t care about the narrator’s obsession with Whoopi Goldberg. I might have gotten a little invested in the bodega guys, the objects of the narrator’s apartment (i.e., the white fox coat), but I can’t say I’ll remember them tomorrow.

The only narrative suspense the novel has to offer is the portrait of Reva. You have a feeling she will be dead by the end, so much of the book is devoted to her despite the narrator’s pretty pathetic show of feeling for her. By the time she gets transferred to the Twin Towers you know for sure what’s going to happen.

I realize this sounds negative, but I don’t mean it that way. The book was a carefully oriented tonal piece. Feeling and not-feeling are both impossible. How do you write a novel in a world like that? The narrator has to sleep through most of it. Otherwise the contradiction would not hold; the world would tilt.

My sense is that in real life the world tilts towards feeling, the way the narrator watches the video of the 9/11 jumpers “to feel something, or because [she’s] bored.” And indeed, at the very end, Moshfegh reaches towards a pretty classic emotional/thematic conclusion: “she’s awake.” I might have liked a flatter ending. If 9/11 only really mattered because it gave all Americans a reason (an excuse?) to feel something, the narrator seems like the one person who would be immune. But she got the sleep she needed. She’ll emote with the rest of us.

Trope request denied

Recently I went on TVTropes in search of information about the wine/book club mom trope, which I swear to god exists both in real life and on television. On the message board I was told that the wine/book club mom trope is not substantially different from Cute Bookworm—which is straight up wrong. A wine/book club mom is neither a nerd nor a girl, nor is she a Hot Librarian. Anyway, I’m mad about it.

Gneiss

Beneath swept rock, groundwater
buffs cave walls to silver.

These metal reinforcements
hold earth from under earth.

I would wrestle the poem
into the world like tracts

of red clay plaiting
switchbacks to the mountain.

To think I wrote all my life
when in fact I was only tracing.

Severance by Ling Ma

Severance

Severance by Ling Ma

“Yes. I took a sip from the wineglass. It tasted bloody. I wanted to tell them that they had made a mistake. I wasn’t like them. I didn’t want the same things that they wanted and they should know this. They should know my difference, they should sense my unfathomable fucking depths. All of these distinctions, of course, belied the fact that I very much wanted to work in Art. I wanted to be an Art Girl.”

Nosebleed (parataxis/epistaxis)

And there was a space in the copse
      we did not call a clearing
And we know that when Dad sells the house
      we will not return here
And a drop of acid on a flame
      creates a brilliant flash of color
And a poem in the new book is blue
And at work the cyan cartridge leaks
And when I first learned to drive I bled
And quickly cooled and turned obsidian

The sound of cats fighting under my window

is oddly comforting.

Today I cooked and ate pasta twice.

I watched three quarters of a Scientology documentary and the first two episodes of the new True Detective. I thought it was lame that they called the TV show they’re making on the TV show True Crime. Also I screamed when that lady said “a seminal work of literary nonfiction.”

Can a good book about a crime be literary? I think not, if you define “literary” as “equally interested in the writing and the content.”

Which reminds me of a family friend whose daughter wrote a book about her father’s murder. Sorry to say it was not such an interesting memoir. I wonder what else is going on in the world of only-OK memoirs.

On the other hand, this Leah Remini Scientology memoir is killing me right now. Whoever ghostwrote/edited it did a masterful job on Remini’s voice:

“The series that I had just come off of in the fall of 1991, The Man in the Family, lasted for only seven episodes. It left me back where I was before Dolls, auditioning for guest appearances on popular sitcoms. I just wanted to belong somewhere again, on a show I could call my own. I was exhausted already. I did a pilot, it didn’t go any further; I got another series, it got canceled before it aired. Each time I swore I was going to give up, but then I’d just get back up and keep going. (All told, I’ve been on more than twenty-five eventually canceled television shows in my career, and have appeared in even more pilots that never made it to air. While I would never complain, I certainly did feel anxiety. This is not an easy business to be in.)”

Here’s a list of memoirs that have been important to me:

  • Almost Moon by Alice Sebold
  • Boy and Going Solo by Roald Dahl

Wow, I really can’t think of any others. I had moments with Joan Didion and David Sedaris, I guess.

In my only-OK memoir, today was not a total waste because I did three (3) loads of laundry and folded two thirds of that laundry and went grocery shopping.

Here’s a meme stolen from my sister’s old tumblr that I think about every single day.

I’m gonna sidle over to the images tab and post some of my backlog. Thanks for tuning in.

Surveys by Natasha Stagg

Surveys

Surveys by Natasha Stagg

“Jim was one of those people who’s so good at making it seem like his only interest in the Internet was the Internet itself. How interesting it is, as a thing. But of course this is self-interest, and my relationship with it has always been far more transparent, and he said he got that, and liked it about me. I liked that he got it and liked it, and that he could tell I got him and that he wasn’t ashamed. What we got was that there were all these unwritten codes, that every message, because it was coded, was sitting on a mountain of meaning. Literally, everything is code and coded, but on top of that, coded into a context, online. Showing a circuit board look and MIDI-style sound felt like less code, like baring the bones. But these aesthetic choices were cluttering up the streamlining of the universe, not minimalizing it. We were asking about art and representation, and about the modern notion of a man and a woman devoted to each other. We were dropping in U-turn signs on everyone else’s roads, smiling at each other, driving forward.”

Tracks I loved this winter

  1. Nasty – Shygirl
  2. NVR – Shygirl
  3. Loud Places – Jamie xx
  4. Tommy – Tommy Genesis
  5. Miami – Tommy Genesis
  6. 100 Bad – Tommy Genesis
  7. Mia Khalifa – ILoveFriday
  8. College – Balam Acab
  9. AS Crust – Amnesia Scanner
  10. Cos I Love U – A. G. Cook
  11. Stamina – Coucou Chloe
  12. Dance the Night Away – Twice
  13. Poly – Daphni

Notes:

  • The video for 100 Bad reminded me of the video for All About the Money, which is way cooler.
  • Shygirl is criminally slept on (you know, for a famous person). “Your breathing makes me hate you / him watching makes me cry / why do I care / wasting thoughts I’d rather die.” Edit: she’s playing NY on Mar 9
  • Twice rehearsal videos. I’m sliding into a Momo bias as we speak. She’s the one in the maroon crop top in the rehearsal vid.
  • I’m the kind of person who listens to the same 10 songs over and over for months. Not much to be done about it.
  • Am I guaranteeing myself hearing loss blasting all this heavy stuff in my earSs? Mayb

Eyebrows

I never learned how to apply eyeliner correctly and I have thin lips, so the only makeup I ever really got into was doing my eyebrows. It started late, in college, because my roommate had a makeup routine. She never showered but she always looked like she had her shit together. I experimented with all sorts of products (my favorite was this brush/pencil in grayish brown). In my last year of college I had a bad mental health spell and started drawing them on darker and thicker. They had to be symmetrical, but they aren’t naturally symmetrical, and in the end I looked like a cartoon character. When I got to grad school I stopped doing them altogether. As the only woman in my four-person cohort, and because I felt increasingly comfortable in more masculine clothing, it didn’t make sense to be painting my face every day.

These days I live in a city where looking put together at the supermarket is a real thing. I’ll go six months or longer without putting on any makeup, and then one day I’ll be at the drugstore and buy a crayon and suddenly eyebrows will be my look for the season. You would think I would have figured out the face I want to present to the world by now, but I haven’t. I guess that’s just how it goes.